Thomas Tuchel’s decision to leave Real Madrid’s Trent Alexander-Arnold out of the England World Cup squad appears increasingly questionable the longer the tournament progresses. Thom Gibbs imagines a peek inside his diary over the past few weeks, with apologies to Alexander-Arnold, Tuchel and the cities of Madrid and Liverpool.
May 22
England squad announced and I’m not in it. Obviously I’m gutted but it is what it is. They did a YouTube announcement video with The Beatles as the soundtrack which made it even worse. Need to just shut out the noise so delete X, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, TikTok, Bluesky, Threads and MySpace off my phone and throw away my Abbey Road vinyl. Thomas Tuchel hasn’t called me yet to explain his decision, but it’s one of them, the gaffer is a busy man.
May 25
Still gutted but decide that it is what it is and we go again. My Real Madrid mates Dean Huijsen and Dani Carvajal didn’t make the Spain squad either, so we’ve made a WhatsApp group. Deano changes the icon to a bottle of Mahou Cinco Estrellas but tell him I’m more of a Madri man.
May 28
Reinstall X, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, TikTok, Bluesky, Threads and MySpace in case Thomas is trying to contact me. No word yet, so I add Anthony Barry on LinkedIn. Out for dinner with Deano and Dani. Paella good but think Dani takes advantage of my low mood when we’re doing our sticker albums by demanding 10 of my swaps for his Cape Verde shiny.
June 1
Into the office at the Bernabéu to use something called a “fax machine” to try to get to Thomas. One of the older members of staff has had to come back from her holiday to show me how to use it and doesn’t seem happy. Figure it out in the end and get a handwritten note sent to the England hotel in Florida.
June 4
Everyone is telling me I should go on holiday but I can’t risk it in case my country needs me. Got to keep fit in the meantime so get down to the training ground to practise my short corners, raking cross-field passes, and swearing at Deano and Dani without covering my mouth.
June 7
Text my old Liverpool team-mate Jordan Henderson and tell him he did well against New Zealand. He says he only played a half and I have to admit I didn’t watch the game. He says he’s heard Thomas left me out because the kit man was worried he didn’t have enough letter “A”s for my shirts, but that must be wrong because I just have “Trent” on my back these days. Send Thomas an email for clarification but no reply yet.
June 10
Check the office fax machine, but someone has turned it off to plug in a tower fan. Google “Kansas City singing telegram” to get Thomas’s attention, but nearest one is in Wichita and he says he’s doing surge pricing for World Cup, so back to the drawing board.
June 12
Padel with Deano and Dani, then gym, head tennis in the swimming pool, sauna, protein shake, Minecraft, pizza, Roblox, KFC and we end up staying up until 2am watching Stranger Things and ranking watch brands. Invite Thomas to start a game on Words with Friends. I’ve played first move and spell out “WHY”.
June 14
Tino Livramento gets injured and obviously nobody likes to see a player injured, especially not at a major tournament, and I wish him a speedy recovery, but this must be my chance? Poke Thomas on Facebook.
June 16
Thomas has called up Trevoh Chalobah. Gutted, if I’m honest, but you’ve got to respect the gaffer and it is what it is. And also, at the end of the day, it’s just one of them. Google Trevoh Chalobah.
June 17
England 4 Croatia 2. Players sing Wonderwall afterwards and I think about learning the words just in case but realise it’s too late now for any more call-ups so use the hydration break in Ghana vs Panama to have a Madri, a Dark Fruits and a salted caramel Huel.
June 19
New gaffer Jose Mourinho texts and tells me to keep my chin up and tells me I’m a top top player. Great to know your manager backs you and is so sensible. Unlike certain other managers I’ve worked for I don’t think he’s going to be volatile or difficult...
June 23
England 0 Ghana 0. Reece James gets injured. Phone going mental. Put it in a drawer and play Call of Duty for nine hours.
June 25
Getting sick of the sunshine so fly back to Liverpool for a few days but it’s even hotter here! Should have checked the weather but accidentally deleted that app too when I was trying to shut out the noise. To make it worse the city is still angry with me for going to Madrid, so whenever I’m back I have to wear a hat and fake moustache.
June 27
Look for somewhere to watch the Panama game in the city but all the pubs I tried are showing Brookside repeats instead. Watch first half in a Richer Sounds but it shuts at half-time so have to watch the second on my phone in a Pret. Jarell Quansah at right-back. I like Jarell, but swear he used to be a centre-back. He is penalised for taking too long over a throw so I try to exchange an exasperated look with a woman on the table next door. She is too busy with her posh cheddar and pickle baguette to notice.
July 1
Back to Madrid for England vs DR Congo on a big screen in Deano’s garden. Don’t enjoy it. Not to be disrespectful, but… Djed Spence? It’s one of them and it is what it is. Declan Rice is at right-back by the end and is decent to be fair. And people said I was too attacking.
Someone puts Talksport on with a VPN through Deano’s Bluetooth speaker and I hear Señor O’Jara calling Thomas “criminal” for leaving me out. Decide to put it behind me, because it is what it is.
Aim now is to go again and target the Euros in two years. The real dream is the Ballon d’Or anyway. Start writing a letter to Thomas but give up after six pages and throw it in Deano’s firepit.