It’s testament to just how bad the original Super Mario Bros Movie was that this sequel can be a noticeable improvement in every respect – animation, storytelling, humour, vocal performances, you name it – while still comfortably qualifying as absolute rubbish.
Imagine a gamer nudging you in the ribs for an hour and a half while gurgling “ha ha, remember this?” and spraying wet Wotsit crumbs all over your cheek. That’s more or less how it feels to watch this yammering, sugared-up pageant of mascots and jingles, which is notionally based on two fondly remembered Nintendo Wii games from 2007 and 2010, but “draws inspiration” (which translates here as “monetises IP”) from across the entire 40-year Mario franchise.
Reader, I have honestly felt less advertised at while watching actual adverts. The Super Mario Galaxy Movie must be the most cravenly corporate film of any type since its 2023 predecessor: in terms of the sheer fang-baring zeal of its product placement, it makes A Minecraft Movie look like something Michael Haneke took to Cannes in 1998.
In a video game the plot would be ample, but in the cinema it feels famine-thin. Mario (voiced by Chris Pratt) and Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy) are trying to rescue the latter’s long-lost sister Rosalina (Brie Larson) from the taloned clutches of Bowser Jr (Benny Safdie). Jack Black’s evil Bowser Sr, meanwhile, begins the film as he ended the last one: in Mario’s custody, and shrunk to pocket-size. Individual scenes operate like levels: they’re just things you have to plough through in order to progress.
The animation is impressive, but in the most arbitrary ways imaginable – a close-up of Mario’s glove shows the worn leather surface in meticulous detail, like a photograph in a Christie’s catalogue – while the casting often might as well be names pulled from a hat. Donald Glover, the creator and star of Atlanta, voices Yoshi the cute green dinosaur – except he doesn’t in any meaningful sense, since the actor’s soulful purr has been digitally altered into the same old helium squeak that’s in the games.
Why two stars rather than one? Because there is a 20-minute stretch that just about works. It features Fox McCloud, the cocky fighter pilot from Nintendo’s now-dormant Star Fox series, aptly voiced by Glen Powell. The formula for this section is no different – here’s a sound effect, catchphrase or meme that you’ll hopefully recognise; now here are 50 more – but at least Fox’s demeanour and backstory actually lend themselves to film adaptation, as opposed to two plumbers who jump on tortoises and whose respective personalities are “green” and “red”.
The above rather suggests that Illumination are about to try to do a Marvel with these things, mixing and matching characters from Nintendo’s extensive portfolio, perhaps until cinema itself explodes. The hollowest laugh comes during the credits, which conclude with the phrase “This work may not be used to train AI”. It’s a noble sentiment, but come off it: a hi-res recreation of a popular video game with novelty cameos? AI’s already more than got that covered.
In cinemas from April 3